Tag Archives: Sex

Isn’t first love an ultimate turn on?

2 Sep


Isn’t first love an ultimate turn on? Yes, it is 😉 I know you are thinking of someone right now 🙂

Any idea, why do decisions to marry that are made in the early stage of love, so called infatuation, often turn out to be a big mistake?

No matter how good the match you think, infatuation, even in the best of marriages, is only a temporary occurrence associated with newness and insecurity.

According to psychologist Dorothy Tennov who found that the duration of infatuation typically lasts at most “between approximately 18 months and three years.” Circumstances like a long-distance relationship or chronic relationship insecurity may artificially extend the tingling phenomenon, at the cost of delaying the shift either into a departure from the relationship or into commitment to a mature and reliable love partnership.

It’s easy to confuse loving the feeling of infatuation with the totally separate issue of how loving you are toward that person after the infatuation has worn off. The infatuation is the short-term relationship. There’s nothing else there. No shared vision or values of the life pathways you both want. Minimal shared interests. Not much to talk about after the initial getting-to-know-you exchanges. You are so caught up in the amazing chemistry of initial attraction that you can’t, or don’t want to, see who the person really is. You lose your ability to be objective and logical reasoning during those moments of short-lived beauty. Your partner becomes the world to you and you don’t see anyone else – no friends, colleagues, parents, etc., Just TWO of “YOU”.

You know you are infatuated and at the same time may know that the person is bad for you but don’t want to accept the truth. You should accept that you are infatuated when you are moving towards marriage but find yourself thinking about someone you have dated in the past, or looking at others you might date in the future. Be honest, you know at some level that you are wasting your time enjoying being infatuated with someone whom you wouldn’t want to marry.

At the same time also think, you may be infatuated but the other person may be truly in love with you. What you get is short-term pleasure and your partner may end up being heart-broken and depressed for lifetime. And, you really can’t compensate the pain and distress you caused to your partner, whom you once thought that you loved but infact that was just an infatuation. Would you really let this happen if you were truly in love with your partner? No. But when its infatuation it’s easy to move-on for the person breaking-up.

I am not saying that infatuation is worthless thing and has no magic of its own. I am aware of cases where the initial infatuation did end up in love and lifelong marriages. So, are all initial strong feelings untrustworthy?  NO, Strong feelings alone do not make a good match make, but strong feelings plus good sense can enable couples to make a marriage choice early on, that leads to a relationship that proves to be long-lasting and ever-loving.

Why Women Worry More | Psychology Today – by Nigel Barber, Ph.D. in The Human Beast

27 Dec

Why Women Worry More | Psychology Today.

Anxiety: The good and the bad

Anxiety is a protective emotion that keeps us away from threats to life and limb, whether that is working on top of roofs, or sawing down large trees. There are very few female roofers or lumberjacks.1

Indeed, every dangerous occupation, from fishing to mining is dominated by males who are overwhelmingly the gender that dies in industrial accidents such as boats being lost in a storm or mine shafts caving in. Women are also more religious which makes sense if one thinks of religious ritual as a way of warding off threats.2

Health researchers know that women take better care of themselves.1They are more likely to receive medical checkups when they are well, less likely to abuse alcohol, or smoke, and more likely to take regular exercise to control their weight.

Women are much less likely to die in car accidents because they drive more safely. Low female risk-taking was favored by natural selection because women taking fewer risks were more likely to survive and therefore more likely to raise children to maturity.

The down side is a tendency to worry too much. Women are more vulnerable to anxiety disorders. Chronic anxiety also causes depression. This helps explain why women are twice as likely to be diagnosed with clinical depression compared to men (Of course, they are also more likely to seek help for emotional problems whereas many depressed men go untreated).

On the other hand, male risk-taking was favored because riskier men acquired higher social status by not backing down from confrontation with peers. This is why men are most fearless, risk-taking, and violent, in young adulthood, an age that is critical for establishing a pecking order amongst peers.

One might imagine that such strong patterns of gender differences would be hard to change but that is not true. Younger women today are much less risk averse than earlier generations. One plausible reason is that women today are exposed to a great deal more competition including sports, vying for academic success, and climbing the occupational ladder.

Young women take more risks

As more women join the full-time workforce, and compete over high-status jobs, their risk-taking profile increases. For many categories of risky behavior, such as abuse of alcohol and reckless driving, young women are now more similar to young men. Yet, this phenomenon is an anomaly not seen in other societies throughout history.

Although gender differences in risk-taking are declining in the modern world, women are still lower on risk-taking, on average. The evolved gender difference is alive and well at the level of emotional predispositions. Women are more anxious than men, and that anxiety is one reason that they still live longer, healthier, lives..

1. Courtenay, W. H. (2000). Behavioral factors associated with disease, injury, and death, among men: Evidence and implications for prevention. Journal of Men’s Studies 9, 81-142.

2. Barber, N. (2012). Why atheism will replace religion: The triumph of earthly pleasures over pie in the sky. E-book, available at:http://www.amazon.com/Atheism-Will-Replace-Religion-ebook/dp/B008..

Relationships: A two-way street

10 Sep

Love is the most profound emotion known to human beings. For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives. But the ability to have a healthy, loving relationship is not innate. Almost all of us have experienced a failed relationship, and most of us have to work consciously to master the skills necessary to make them flourish. You don’t really live with the partner in your home. You live with the partner in your head.

Each one of us has differing values and ways of looking at the world, and we want different things from each other. Such differences derive from our genetically influenced temperaments, our belief systems, and experiences growing up in our family of origin. Sometimes a sock on the floor is just a sock on the floor. Do not let little irritations in to deeper problems.

Recently, I have been hearing a lot about fewer and fewer people getting married.  In fact, the recently released 2011 State of our Unions report from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia reported that there has been a 50 percent decrease in marriage from 1970 to 2010 in United States. This may be due partly to more people living together, but even more so to an increase in lifelong singlehood.

On the other hand a research by Institute of Social Research shows that teenagers of both sexes still say that “a good marriage and family life” are “extremely important” to them. In spite of people’s preference for committed relationship, people’s faith in marriage has fallen over the last 30 years according to a research.

Is this drop in marriage and faith happening because more people are finding it harder to find a committed life partner, or that fewer people are sticking it out, or that some people don’t even want to be in a relationship? When people say that they prefer being single are they consciously or unconsciously hiding from the pain of not having the relationship they truly want?  In psychological term it is called “cognitive dissonance,” i.e. avoiding discomfort about what you are doing by justifying that you wouldn’t be doing that unless you had a good reason for it. People stop fixing you up with dates, because they believe you really prefer being single, even if you don’t really want to be. While some may be perfectly happy being single, for others, it may not be that they don’t want a relationship but that they have not figured out a way to have one that is fulfilling.

If you are finding it harder to find a committed partner, maybe you are looking in the wrong places. Instead of looking for the right partner to meet your needs, look for someone with whom you can create the right relationship to meet needs of you and your partner. Best way to deal with a problem is that if you are dissatisfied with partner, do not give up too soon but continue to work together on the relationship.

Commitment to the relationship as an entity, separate from and beyond just the two individuals is very important. The couple is greater than the sum of the parts. In every area of life, people who establish a clear vision are more likely to fulfill on it. Just envisioning yourselves as a committed couple is not enough. Once the challenges of jobs, kids and everyday life come along, it requires deliberate attempt from both sides to keep you on tack.

Every annoyance in a relationship is really a two-way street. Partners focus on what they are getting, not on what they are giving. But no matter how frustrating a partner’s behavior, your interpretation is the greater part of it. What matters is the meaning you attach to it. The ability to eliminate relationship irritants lies within each of us. They may sabotage good relationships or not. It all depends on how you interpret the problem.

Is Social Media responsible for failed Relationships/Divorces?

27 Aug

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Lately, social media and marriage have not mixed well. I have seen my friends and colleagues who are engaged often start out with confidence that their partners would ever cheat on them. But their belief is shattered the moment they realize that their better half betrayed them. Trust is long-term and an important aspect for any relationship to sustain but how long can that really last in the era of social media when there are so many tempting opportunities flowing around, that people may intentionally or unintentionally end up breaking a trust.

I would like to give an example of one of my friend who recently got married and gifted his wife an i-phone and also created a Facebook account for her as he wanted to be in contact with her whenever he was travelling. But soon he found was she was hooked to Facebook and Twitter and started getting too close (atleast online) with one of his high school friend sending too many messages, liking pictures and comments, making comments, etc. For my friend his wife was disclosing in someone of the opposite sex more than him about their marriage problems, and for him his private boundaries were eroding. The moment he realized that his wife has accepted a friend request from an ex and there was incriminating information on her wall it became unbearable for him and he exploded in anger and frustration eventually breaking his marriage because of suspicion and jealousy.

I believe that “Cheating” on your partner does not have to include sex.  Though, online affairs engage secret contact and sexual intimacy with texting, chats and pictures. Sometimes, those affairs can be worse than a one-night stand. I hear similar stories related to social media and relationships so commonly at my workplace and from friends that it began to feel like there was a CD player hitting repeat. It turns out that social media sites like Facebook and Twitter do bring people together but can also drive break a relationship.

Social Media has provided people so many opportunities to connect with others privately by sending a small message or an email. You can be with your better half and message your crush, ex, boyfriend, etc. immediately about your whereabouts. Was this possible 20 years ago? Absolutely NOT!!! Even if you liked someone, people waited for appropriate time to connect with other just to say “Hi” or to ask out for a coffee. People never called up late night to unknown people thinking about the appropriateness. But social media has almost eliminated that gap. Today, if you want to connect with your colleagues wife, friends sister, or anyone, you just do it – send an add request with a short message at 3am and get connected instantly and that too “PRIVATE

In the past, it was much easier to keep secrets from a significant other but now people have got comfortable to a little less privacy. Social media makes it easier for some with no intention of starting an affair to unknowingly cross a line. Often this leads to a physical affair but even without that, some marriages are damaged. Couples lose trust in each other and in the example that I gave of my friend every time his new girlfriend texts someone else, he cannot help but feel suspicious.

Couples can keep their marriage intact and use social media, but for the right reasons. Have fun, connect with people and share pictures with family and friends. Keeping an open-door policy for your social media accounts will instill trust and create transparency. I truly believe that Social media is not the cause of divorce or failed relationships but crossing boundaries is causing relations to break.

Related Videos:

Divorce Attorney Nancy Rommelmann: Is facebook Ruining Marriages?

Houston Divorce Lawyer: Social Media Affecting More Divorces

Facebook And Divorce

Facebook Blamed for 1 in 5 Divorces in U.S.

References:

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/03/15/social-media-causing-tension-jealousy-in-relationships/

http://www.timesunion.com/local/article/Social-media-may-hurt-a-marriage-1429536.php

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=130897679

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/facebook-relationship-status/story?id=16406245#.UDv2jMFlT8E

http://fbmarriage.blogspot.com/2011/03/article-in-irish-independent.html

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