Tag Archives: Love

Isn’t first love an ultimate turn on?

2 Sep


Isn’t first love an ultimate turn on? Yes, it is 😉 I know you are thinking of someone right now 🙂

Any idea, why do decisions to marry that are made in the early stage of love, so called infatuation, often turn out to be a big mistake?

No matter how good the match you think, infatuation, even in the best of marriages, is only a temporary occurrence associated with newness and insecurity.

According to psychologist Dorothy Tennov who found that the duration of infatuation typically lasts at most “between approximately 18 months and three years.” Circumstances like a long-distance relationship or chronic relationship insecurity may artificially extend the tingling phenomenon, at the cost of delaying the shift either into a departure from the relationship or into commitment to a mature and reliable love partnership.

It’s easy to confuse loving the feeling of infatuation with the totally separate issue of how loving you are toward that person after the infatuation has worn off. The infatuation is the short-term relationship. There’s nothing else there. No shared vision or values of the life pathways you both want. Minimal shared interests. Not much to talk about after the initial getting-to-know-you exchanges. You are so caught up in the amazing chemistry of initial attraction that you can’t, or don’t want to, see who the person really is. You lose your ability to be objective and logical reasoning during those moments of short-lived beauty. Your partner becomes the world to you and you don’t see anyone else – no friends, colleagues, parents, etc., Just TWO of “YOU”.

You know you are infatuated and at the same time may know that the person is bad for you but don’t want to accept the truth. You should accept that you are infatuated when you are moving towards marriage but find yourself thinking about someone you have dated in the past, or looking at others you might date in the future. Be honest, you know at some level that you are wasting your time enjoying being infatuated with someone whom you wouldn’t want to marry.

At the same time also think, you may be infatuated but the other person may be truly in love with you. What you get is short-term pleasure and your partner may end up being heart-broken and depressed for lifetime. And, you really can’t compensate the pain and distress you caused to your partner, whom you once thought that you loved but infact that was just an infatuation. Would you really let this happen if you were truly in love with your partner? No. But when its infatuation it’s easy to move-on for the person breaking-up.

I am not saying that infatuation is worthless thing and has no magic of its own. I am aware of cases where the initial infatuation did end up in love and lifelong marriages. So, are all initial strong feelings untrustworthy?  NO, Strong feelings alone do not make a good match make, but strong feelings plus good sense can enable couples to make a marriage choice early on, that leads to a relationship that proves to be long-lasting and ever-loving.

Why Women Worry More | Psychology Today – by Nigel Barber, Ph.D. in The Human Beast

27 Dec

Why Women Worry More | Psychology Today.

Anxiety: The good and the bad

Anxiety is a protective emotion that keeps us away from threats to life and limb, whether that is working on top of roofs, or sawing down large trees. There are very few female roofers or lumberjacks.1

Indeed, every dangerous occupation, from fishing to mining is dominated by males who are overwhelmingly the gender that dies in industrial accidents such as boats being lost in a storm or mine shafts caving in. Women are also more religious which makes sense if one thinks of religious ritual as a way of warding off threats.2

Health researchers know that women take better care of themselves.1They are more likely to receive medical checkups when they are well, less likely to abuse alcohol, or smoke, and more likely to take regular exercise to control their weight.

Women are much less likely to die in car accidents because they drive more safely. Low female risk-taking was favored by natural selection because women taking fewer risks were more likely to survive and therefore more likely to raise children to maturity.

The down side is a tendency to worry too much. Women are more vulnerable to anxiety disorders. Chronic anxiety also causes depression. This helps explain why women are twice as likely to be diagnosed with clinical depression compared to men (Of course, they are also more likely to seek help for emotional problems whereas many depressed men go untreated).

On the other hand, male risk-taking was favored because riskier men acquired higher social status by not backing down from confrontation with peers. This is why men are most fearless, risk-taking, and violent, in young adulthood, an age that is critical for establishing a pecking order amongst peers.

One might imagine that such strong patterns of gender differences would be hard to change but that is not true. Younger women today are much less risk averse than earlier generations. One plausible reason is that women today are exposed to a great deal more competition including sports, vying for academic success, and climbing the occupational ladder.

Young women take more risks

As more women join the full-time workforce, and compete over high-status jobs, their risk-taking profile increases. For many categories of risky behavior, such as abuse of alcohol and reckless driving, young women are now more similar to young men. Yet, this phenomenon is an anomaly not seen in other societies throughout history.

Although gender differences in risk-taking are declining in the modern world, women are still lower on risk-taking, on average. The evolved gender difference is alive and well at the level of emotional predispositions. Women are more anxious than men, and that anxiety is one reason that they still live longer, healthier, lives..

1. Courtenay, W. H. (2000). Behavioral factors associated with disease, injury, and death, among men: Evidence and implications for prevention. Journal of Men’s Studies 9, 81-142.

2. Barber, N. (2012). Why atheism will replace religion: The triumph of earthly pleasures over pie in the sky. E-book, available at:http://www.amazon.com/Atheism-Will-Replace-Religion-ebook/dp/B008..

Moving Forward When Your Relationship has Ended

22 Sep

Hey, I cannot take this relationship any further…

What????

No, please you cannot do this to me, I love you…I love you a lot

Sorry, I cannot take this; it’s time to move on…..I have other commitments in life, I did not enter in to relationship for all this…..I can’t break trust of parents, I feel guilty, I need to focus on studies, etc……

No, you cannot do this, How can you forget the time we spent together, the relationship we shared? You are my life buddy…..I will never be get you off my mind…I love you a lot….I’ll die if you leave me…it hurts me a lot…it pains…please don’t…..I love you

Am sorry, I tried but…….Please, you can do it, please move-on, you will find someone better than me…

No… 😦 no one can replace you……you just can’t leave me….relationships aren’t made to be broken…..

Can you relate to above conversation? Have you ever experienced or witnessed any such scenario…I know it hurts 😦  truly hurts to core….

Moving on can be difficult. The longer you have been with someone, the harder it becomes. You just cannot imagine yourself without that person. Our brains often work against us, providing lots of evidence for, and reasons why, it makes sense to stay – hey, it’s comfortable to stay in familiar territory.  Also, If you are like most people, when this happens, you find yourself stuck in thinking about the past, wondering what went wrong, and unable to move from the pain of the relationship. You might even fear that any future relationship will turn out the same. It does not matter whether you left the relationship or were left—the best advice is to learn from the past and not carry old “baggage” into the new life you envision for yourself.

If one or more of the factors mentioned below is going on in your life, it’s time for a serious pause and some much-needed reflection.

Burnout:  So many of us are just emotionally and physically exhausted because of work overload, lack of control, insufficient reward, unfairness, breakdown of community, value conflict, frequent fights with partners, lack of acceptance and respect by partner, etc.If you are feeling burned out, it is time to have a serious conversation with yourself about alternatives.

You are becoming someone else: You changed for the person you loved. You changed the way you dress, have food, talk, your mannerisms, hair style, and everything that your loved one told you to change. And you did, because you love him/her. You stopped talking to your school friends or atleast reduced frequency of conversations with others so that you can spend more time with the person you love. You changed your sleeping patters. The only thing that’s on your mind is your loved one. And you do not complain about change because you did it for the person you truly love. And, one fine day when your loved one leaves you…your life is shattered …suddenly your life changes again. It started from who you were, what you became and what you will become. There are people who deal with break-ups positively, but no matter what, it leaves lifetime impressions on our mind and heart. It is difficult to be same again. When frequent changes in life start affecting you, it’s time to rethink over your relationship.

You learned the lesson(s) for life time: When you feel stuck, pause and ask yourself what you are supposed to learn from the person or situation. May be the break up with your girlfriend may force you to examine what you really wanted from your relationship. Once you understood that lesson, it becomes much easier to close that chapter in your life. It is easier said than done, but you have to put an end to your feelings someday and stop hurting yourself. Close the chapter but never forget the lessons learned.

Differences: Differences in values lead to problems and fights. If you value saving for a rainy day and your partner values spending money, what impact is that having on your relationship? If you value getting things done immediately and your partner values doing things tomorrow, what impact that will have? People are born and brought up in different environment and their thoughts, habits, preferences, values, family traditions differ a lot. You simply cannot say that you are right and the other person is wrong just because their point of view differs. You need to arrive to arrive at a common ground and respect what your partner values. If you find yourself having problem in accepting your partner as they are, it’s time to think again about relationship. Relationship demands love, care and respect.

Past relationships give you a clearer picture of what you want and what you do not want in a relationship if you take the time to examine them. It is the power of contrast that living in an unfulfilling relationship can give you that can lead to you creating the relationship that you do want.

What I have learned is that if a relationship has ended, it is not a bad thing or a failure that our society likes to label it. It just may be that you have learned what it is that you were supposed to learn by being with that other person and it’s time to move on to other “lessons.”

Also, when a relationship ends, very often we want to assign fault and blame, either to ourselves or to the other person. When you are in a healthy relationship with another person, both people are equally responsible for the relationship. If a relationship ends, the same thing usually applies. No matter who appears to be at fault when challenges come up, both people are responsible. You can only heal when you let go of assigning “fault” and “blame” and focus on what you want to change about yourself and what you want to create in a relationship. This can be a very difficult process if you are hanging on to the need to be right, anger, judgments and unexpressed resentments. Taking responsibility means accepting what is true about what you have or have not contributed to the relationship that ended and considering what you intend to contribute to relationships in the future.

When a relationship ends, it is tempting to shut down and vow never to get in another relationship again or even rush into a new relationship. Instead, you should take time to learn from past relationships, be thankful for where you are and start moving toward the relationships and life that you really want. I know it is difficult and painful but you have to do it.

Live, Love and Enjoy Life. Be Yourself

17 Sep

Some days are better than others. On the days that are simply awesome we end up being over productive, happy and full of life.  On those days that go less well, we usually end up being hard on ourselves, less productive and feel life like is being hard on us. Is there anything you do to avoid the ill effects of those bad days and not let them affect you? Of course, you can!! Here are few things that you can do to keep going and continue being awesome.

1. Keep going: I find that the best way to do things is to constantly move forward and to never doubt anything and keep moving forward, if you make a mistake say you made a mistake. Admitting a mistake will not make you look as looser but Infact people will respect your courage. Also, don’t let life’s changes throw you off track, but remember that most circumstances are temporary. Sunlight has to follow darkness. Gain more clarity by staying the course and channeling your energy in a positive direction. If you have will and eagerness to survive and channel your energy in right direction during those weak moments, you will sail through your problems successfully and will be proud of yourself.

2. Trust yourself. Your perceptions are derived from your feelings and your ability to be yourself, to own and trust yourself, and to say what you feel, even when it may be diametrically opposed to everyone else’s opinion. Believe in your inner self, no matter what, and you will grow from the experience. I believe that the answers usually lie within and you are probably smart enough to figure out what you need to do. It is only with one’s heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye. Give yourself a little time and have patience.

3. Be friends with life: Remember that the world is not out to get you and it does not punish you. You do that to yourself. Learning to focus on other opportunities or in another direction can give you some perspective. Life is beautiful. Live it!!!

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”

― Mother Teresa

4. Watch your thoughts: You become what you think. We are humans and our thinking will never be 100 percent positive. You must learn to dismiss the negative thoughts and stay open to other ideas that will help you move in a positive direction. Start recognizing negative thoughts and use your mind to control them.

5. Strength: Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.  Learn to access and direct your strengths to the highest good for all concerned. Believe that your strength can help you deal with anything. Remember that you have and will survive the worse.

6. Learn to love yourself: Self-esteem and self-love are issues that are often related together. If you suffer from low self-esteem, it is possible that the root cause is a case of insufficient self-love. When you don’t love yourself, you are basically telling the Universe that you are unworthy or undeserving of any love or positive outcomes that have the same vibrational match as love. Learning to love you starts with making a conscious decision, an intention to become happy and lead a fulfilled life. When you do not love yourself and suffer from low self-esteem, it is almost impossible to ever reach the potential that you suspect you have. Think about what makes you “YOU”. Just like a flower that needs watering to grow, learn to nurture yourself in every way.

Love yourself for all the good that you see and accept your flaws and the fact that you are imperfect. This does not mean that you do not learn to change from your shortcomings; instead, you are being gentle and kind to yourself despite all your “flaws”. Look in the mirror and fall in love with the reflection that is “You”.You do not have to be who you are today, and your life is not scripted. Changing how you feel about yourself means creating a strategy, gathering some new tools, and making yourself into the person you want to be. A good way to start is to stop doing things that hurt.

7. Desire: In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. Desire can be a powerful motivating tool, but wanting something too much can be very painful and very expensive, so do not live beyond your means or desire for the unattainable. Seek your desire, but keep your integrity. The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential… these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.

8. Don’t get insulted: It is wise to be unemotional about critical comments. Human’s will always bump heads, but consider the source, and if it’s the other person’s issue, ignore it. Learn to respond instead of react, and don’t show your anger.

9. Recognize that disappointment is part of life: Even the most successful people have to deal with disappointment, but they have learned how to use it to get to the next level of life. Process your feelings, and then take some kind of action.

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”- Martin Luther King, Jr.

10. Deal with your fears: Fear is a message. Do not dismiss it outright! Neither let fear dismiss judgment. Weigh all evidence in the balance, then act. If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but because of your estimate of it; and you have the power to revoke at any moment. Overcoming fear makes you stronger, and being a little scared can make you better.

11. Anger: Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy. Anger kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before – it takes something from him. Do not lose your focus of who you are and what you want to be and get blinded by anger.

Relationships: A two-way street

10 Sep

Love is the most profound emotion known to human beings. For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives. But the ability to have a healthy, loving relationship is not innate. Almost all of us have experienced a failed relationship, and most of us have to work consciously to master the skills necessary to make them flourish. You don’t really live with the partner in your home. You live with the partner in your head.

Each one of us has differing values and ways of looking at the world, and we want different things from each other. Such differences derive from our genetically influenced temperaments, our belief systems, and experiences growing up in our family of origin. Sometimes a sock on the floor is just a sock on the floor. Do not let little irritations in to deeper problems.

Recently, I have been hearing a lot about fewer and fewer people getting married.  In fact, the recently released 2011 State of our Unions report from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia reported that there has been a 50 percent decrease in marriage from 1970 to 2010 in United States. This may be due partly to more people living together, but even more so to an increase in lifelong singlehood.

On the other hand a research by Institute of Social Research shows that teenagers of both sexes still say that “a good marriage and family life” are “extremely important” to them. In spite of people’s preference for committed relationship, people’s faith in marriage has fallen over the last 30 years according to a research.

Is this drop in marriage and faith happening because more people are finding it harder to find a committed life partner, or that fewer people are sticking it out, or that some people don’t even want to be in a relationship? When people say that they prefer being single are they consciously or unconsciously hiding from the pain of not having the relationship they truly want?  In psychological term it is called “cognitive dissonance,” i.e. avoiding discomfort about what you are doing by justifying that you wouldn’t be doing that unless you had a good reason for it. People stop fixing you up with dates, because they believe you really prefer being single, even if you don’t really want to be. While some may be perfectly happy being single, for others, it may not be that they don’t want a relationship but that they have not figured out a way to have one that is fulfilling.

If you are finding it harder to find a committed partner, maybe you are looking in the wrong places. Instead of looking for the right partner to meet your needs, look for someone with whom you can create the right relationship to meet needs of you and your partner. Best way to deal with a problem is that if you are dissatisfied with partner, do not give up too soon but continue to work together on the relationship.

Commitment to the relationship as an entity, separate from and beyond just the two individuals is very important. The couple is greater than the sum of the parts. In every area of life, people who establish a clear vision are more likely to fulfill on it. Just envisioning yourselves as a committed couple is not enough. Once the challenges of jobs, kids and everyday life come along, it requires deliberate attempt from both sides to keep you on tack.

Every annoyance in a relationship is really a two-way street. Partners focus on what they are getting, not on what they are giving. But no matter how frustrating a partner’s behavior, your interpretation is the greater part of it. What matters is the meaning you attach to it. The ability to eliminate relationship irritants lies within each of us. They may sabotage good relationships or not. It all depends on how you interpret the problem.

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