Moving Forward When Your Relationship has Ended

22 Sep

Hey, I cannot take this relationship any further…

What????

No, please you cannot do this to me, I love you…I love you a lot

Sorry, I cannot take this; it’s time to move on…..I have other commitments in life, I did not enter in to relationship for all this…..I can’t break trust of parents, I feel guilty, I need to focus on studies, etc……

No, you cannot do this, How can you forget the time we spent together, the relationship we shared? You are my life buddy…..I will never be get you off my mind…I love you a lot….I’ll die if you leave me…it hurts me a lot…it pains…please don’t…..I love you

Am sorry, I tried but…….Please, you can do it, please move-on, you will find someone better than me…

No… 😦 no one can replace you……you just can’t leave me….relationships aren’t made to be broken…..

Can you relate to above conversation? Have you ever experienced or witnessed any such scenario…I know it hurts 😦  truly hurts to core….

Moving on can be difficult. The longer you have been with someone, the harder it becomes. You just cannot imagine yourself without that person. Our brains often work against us, providing lots of evidence for, and reasons why, it makes sense to stay – hey, it’s comfortable to stay in familiar territory.  Also, If you are like most people, when this happens, you find yourself stuck in thinking about the past, wondering what went wrong, and unable to move from the pain of the relationship. You might even fear that any future relationship will turn out the same. It does not matter whether you left the relationship or were left—the best advice is to learn from the past and not carry old “baggage” into the new life you envision for yourself.

If one or more of the factors mentioned below is going on in your life, it’s time for a serious pause and some much-needed reflection.

Burnout:  So many of us are just emotionally and physically exhausted because of work overload, lack of control, insufficient reward, unfairness, breakdown of community, value conflict, frequent fights with partners, lack of acceptance and respect by partner, etc.If you are feeling burned out, it is time to have a serious conversation with yourself about alternatives.

You are becoming someone else: You changed for the person you loved. You changed the way you dress, have food, talk, your mannerisms, hair style, and everything that your loved one told you to change. And you did, because you love him/her. You stopped talking to your school friends or atleast reduced frequency of conversations with others so that you can spend more time with the person you love. You changed your sleeping patters. The only thing that’s on your mind is your loved one. And you do not complain about change because you did it for the person you truly love. And, one fine day when your loved one leaves you…your life is shattered …suddenly your life changes again. It started from who you were, what you became and what you will become. There are people who deal with break-ups positively, but no matter what, it leaves lifetime impressions on our mind and heart. It is difficult to be same again. When frequent changes in life start affecting you, it’s time to rethink over your relationship.

You learned the lesson(s) for life time: When you feel stuck, pause and ask yourself what you are supposed to learn from the person or situation. May be the break up with your girlfriend may force you to examine what you really wanted from your relationship. Once you understood that lesson, it becomes much easier to close that chapter in your life. It is easier said than done, but you have to put an end to your feelings someday and stop hurting yourself. Close the chapter but never forget the lessons learned.

Differences: Differences in values lead to problems and fights. If you value saving for a rainy day and your partner values spending money, what impact is that having on your relationship? If you value getting things done immediately and your partner values doing things tomorrow, what impact that will have? People are born and brought up in different environment and their thoughts, habits, preferences, values, family traditions differ a lot. You simply cannot say that you are right and the other person is wrong just because their point of view differs. You need to arrive to arrive at a common ground and respect what your partner values. If you find yourself having problem in accepting your partner as they are, it’s time to think again about relationship. Relationship demands love, care and respect.

Past relationships give you a clearer picture of what you want and what you do not want in a relationship if you take the time to examine them. It is the power of contrast that living in an unfulfilling relationship can give you that can lead to you creating the relationship that you do want.

What I have learned is that if a relationship has ended, it is not a bad thing or a failure that our society likes to label it. It just may be that you have learned what it is that you were supposed to learn by being with that other person and it’s time to move on to other “lessons.”

Also, when a relationship ends, very often we want to assign fault and blame, either to ourselves or to the other person. When you are in a healthy relationship with another person, both people are equally responsible for the relationship. If a relationship ends, the same thing usually applies. No matter who appears to be at fault when challenges come up, both people are responsible. You can only heal when you let go of assigning “fault” and “blame” and focus on what you want to change about yourself and what you want to create in a relationship. This can be a very difficult process if you are hanging on to the need to be right, anger, judgments and unexpressed resentments. Taking responsibility means accepting what is true about what you have or have not contributed to the relationship that ended and considering what you intend to contribute to relationships in the future.

When a relationship ends, it is tempting to shut down and vow never to get in another relationship again or even rush into a new relationship. Instead, you should take time to learn from past relationships, be thankful for where you are and start moving toward the relationships and life that you really want. I know it is difficult and painful but you have to do it.

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2 Responses to “Moving Forward When Your Relationship has Ended”

  1. Rebecca September 22, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

    As Krushant said, your starting conversation brought tears to my eyes…I have been on both sides of the table i.e. dumped someone and also got dumped. It’s heartbreaking and painful and as you have mentioned I too went in to a hibernation period after break-up shielding myself away from everyone and avoiding entering in to a relationship. Took me years to come back to my routine life but till today I have not been able to remove the mental and emotional scars that these relationships have given me. I have moved-on but scars remained. Few decisions that I have taken in my life changed my life for years to come.

  2. Krushant September 22, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

    Dude, your starting conversation reminded me about someone:-( Literally tears came to my eyes. It’s indeed difficult to move-on. I agree that you should move-on when you are no longer who you are. Damn…it ….reading everything took me few years back in my past ….well written dude….I have so much to say but out of words for now. My feelings for someone resurfaced.

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